Monday Musings 3-21-22

Tomorrow is my youngest child’s 18th birthday. While I’ve said to all the kids many times that a number is just a number, and becoming an adult is a process, this particular date feels momentous nonetheless. Having had my first child at 21, a healthy chunk of my own adult life has been spent actively parenting. It’s been mostly a joy, sometimes a challenge, but always rewarding. Watching our kids discover their talents, become passionate about issues, develop meaningful relationships, and engage with the world is a pleasure.

As they move out of childhood and into the next phase of their lives, I have only a few things I wish for them.

First, I hope they enjoy loving, healthy relationships. I’ve given out dating advice over the years, which I think they’ve found valuable, and my two older boys are well on their way in this area. You can read my words of wisdom on this particular topic on my alter ego’s blog Dear Maggie.

Second, that they surround themselves with a supportive community. Friends hold us up during the rough patches and celebrate with us during the good times. Healthy friendships nourish the soul, and I am certainly grateful for mine.

Finally, I hope they find meaningful work. Work is work, even when it’s something we love, so we’ve encouraged them to choose a career that will hold their interest over time, and one in a field that plays to their talents and skills. I had a college professor who once suggested that we students should do what we love, for sure, but we should also do something we’re good at. I remember being slightly put off by this advice at first because it felt limiting, but it’s actually really wise. I love astronomy and I’ve seriously considered getting an advanced degree in physics, but I will never be that good in the hard sciences. It would always be a struggle, and in the end, I don’t think I’d be able to achieve as much as I’d like in the field. That kind of self-awareness can serve us well.

As parents, we can’t save our kids from all the hardships and challenges they’ll face on their life’s journey. We can only hope we’ve given them useful tools and good advice to navigate their own way. As our last child steps into adulthood, I feel a deep sense of satisfaction that she, like her brothers, is a kind, compassionate, accountable human being whose light shines brightly in the world.

Happy birthday, Kyra. It is an honor and joy to be your mom.

Monday Musings 2-1-21

Today is my second son’s 23rd birthday. He is across the continent celebrating with his lovely girlfriend. We haven’t seen him in person in over a year, and that’s hard, but he is where he should be, doing what he should be doing. The pandemic has set his career plans back a bit, but I have no doubt he’ll be just fine when the world opens up again.

On each of the kids’ birthdays, I like to pull out their special baby photo albums and reminisce. Ray and I marveled after the birth of each one that, while they may have the same parents, they are so very unique. It’s been a wonder to watch them grow into adulthood.

Child number two is a writer. He’s the one whose opinion I seek when I’ve finished a new manuscript. His talent at identifying the plot hole, or character deficiency, or finding a simple solution to a tangle, makes him my go-to guy when I’m stuck in my own writing. With his mellow personality, you’d never suspect that he also brings down the house with his stand-up comedy routines. I think because he is an keen observer of people as well as an amazing storyteller, he resonates well with an audience. His creativity is boundless, and even as a child, his keen intelligence was obvious. As he grew into adulthood, his good humor, steady personality, and kindness matured along with him.

As with all my kids, I am proud they are following their dreams and doing amazing things, but mostly I am so proud of the people they are - compassionate, thoughtful, responsible. As different as they are from each other, they all share these qualities. Happy birthday, Noah! We love and miss you.

In other news….

Save the date! I’ll be presenting at Boskone this year, February 12-14, 2021. Join me online for this fantastic science fiction and fantasy convention. It's going to be a great weekend filled with discussions of books, science, art, games, music, and more. Visit the Boskone website: http://www.boskone.org/ to register.

Monday Musings 7-6-20

Today is my birthday. It’s the year before a really big one, so naturally I’ve been reflecting a lot about this past decade…

I ushered in my 40s by summiting Mt. Kilimanjaro with my sister and two close friends on my birthday nine years ago. At the time, I could feel my life changing around me. Instead of trying to hang on to something that was out of my control anyway, I chose instead to embrace the potential for something new. My children were growing up, some moving out. I loved my career, but it had chosen me, not the other way around. I found myself wondering what my choice would be if I could make a different one. I needed space to clear out my head. I wanted to connect deeply to the world around me, and to be utterly disconnected at the same time. So, I climbed. It was hard, really hard, and it was also breathtakingly beautiful - a metaphor for life I guess. I didn’t return with any earth-shattering revelations, but I did return with a deep sense of accomplishment and inner peace. A few weeks later, I wrote my very first blog post, which a travel and climbing magazine published - a sign of things to come!

As I wind down this decade, more change is in the air. My body feels age in a different way. All but one of my kids is an adult, and she’s right on the cusp. I’ve had to let go of some things permanently, like ever returning to medical school. Some ships have sailed, and that’s okay, because letting them go made space for other things. I’ve rediscovered my inner artist, and she’s building a satisfying career. My husband and I never really had a chance to enjoy being a couple before we had children, and we have that now. I have deep, meaningful friendships.

As I contemplate the next decade, sure there’s some fear. I think it comes with facing our own mortality in a much more concrete way. But I’m also looking forward to it. I have always lived fully, throwing myself whole-heartedly into my work, my family, the experiences presented to me, and I have no intention of showing up in the world any other way.

“Life isn’t meant to be lived perfectly…but merely to be LIVED. Boldly, wildly, beautifully, uncertainly, imperfectly, magically LIVED.” ― Mandy Hale

Monday Musings 6-15-20

This week, my third son will turn eighteen. Having a relatively large family, our kids are a study in nature vs. nurture. Each of them are similar in many ways, and yet so very different. Watching them grow into young adults, discover their talents, and become independent, thoughtful, creative human beings has been an honor and pleasure.

This particular almost-adult of ours is kind and nurturing. We sometimes call him the baby whisperer because little kids and baby animals adore him, and the feeling is mutual. He’s the kid who notices when I need help - not with household chores necessarily, and don’t get me started on his messy room, but he’s there for the things that matter. “Momma I’ve got your back” is a line he uses regularly, and he does.

He’s a kid with a kind heart. In fact, kindness is his super-power. In eighth grade, he was paired with a first grade reading buddy for the school year. At the middle-school graduation, his “buddy” was in tears. RJ invited him on stage and held him on his lap for the whole ceremony, becoming this boy’s beloved babysitter for years afterward.

RJ was and still is a good athlete. I remember a particular baseball game just after he’d been bumped up to the next level of play early one Little League season. A boy from his old team, who had just finished a game on the adjacent field, noticed RJ. He excitedly relayed to his dad that, “RJ was a big guy and had gotten the call.” This little boy was chubby and short, wearing glasses as big as his face, and seemingly uncomfortable in his own skin. His sweet dad ruffled his hair and said, “You’re gonna be a big guy someday too. Want to watch RJ for a little while?” They did. At the end of the inning, RJ caught sight of this little boy and came right to the fence to greet him. “It means a lot that you came to watch me play. Thanks so much, buddy.” That little guy’s smile lit up the bleachers.

A neighbor once said she’d heard I had the kindest kids in the neighborhood, and after meeting RJ, she agreed this was so. It’s no small thing to be kind in this world, and kindness with the courage to act is even more special. Our boy shows us this with his beautiful soul. Happy eighteenth birthday RJ!

“The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the greatest intention.” - Kahlil Gibran

Monday Musings 3-30-20

Birthday season continues in our house! Today is my oldest son’s 27th birthday. All my kids are special, of course, but this one made me a mother. I still remember feeling both overwhelming love and abject terror when I held him for the first time. There is no other moment like it in the world.

This child of mine is sensitive, strong, thoughtful, kind, and responsible. He sometimes worries that he hasn’t figured out his life yet, which has prompted some great conversations between us over the years. We talk a lot about the right balance between planning for the future and living in the moment.

The current world crisis has challenged us to think about this idea very consciously. We’re living in one prolonged moment of pause, while at the same time, we’re trying to envision an uncertain future. We’ve had to simplify our lives, take refuge in our homes, and try to quiet our minds amidst the chaos. When we eventually emerge on the other side, things will have changed in ways none of us can predict. There will be loss. There will be opportunity.

This pandemic will be a defining moment in our lives and in the lives of our children. But I think the next generation will meet the challenges with resiliency, flexible thinking, and earnestness. I trust that they will adapt, and I believe they will make the world better, not worse. My own kids have given me this faith.

Happy birthday, Nick. I’m so proud to be your mom.

Monday Musings 3-23-20

Yesterday was my youngest child’s 16th birthday. She would have been celebrating with her jazz band on a school trip abroad during spring break. Instead we ordered slices of cake from a local restaurant via DoorDash, sang to her, and watched a movie together. Our lovely neighbor dropped off homemade biscotti and chatted with her from across the front lawn. Two of her brothers (one in the Navy and one sheltering in place in California), her grandparents, and my sister’s family all face-timed with her. I think she felt loved.

As young parents with a tribe of kids, my husband and I had to choose early on which things were truly important to teach our children and model for our family. We decided that kindness and personal accountability were those essential things. Watching all four of my children meet this unprecedented challenge, I see them behaving with those qualities.

My daughter is gracious and appreciative. She’s resilient and adaptable. She’s kind, generous, and thoughtful. Not for a moment has she complained. Instead, she’s thinking about how we can help each other in these strange and scary times. I admire her peace, equanimity, and youthful positivity. On her birthday, I consciously focused all my mental energy on appreciating how blessed I am to be her mom. And you know what? Last night, I slept solidly through the night for the first time in a while. Happy birthday, my sweet girl.

Monday Musings 7-22-19

I found a picture recently that my husband took of me and our four kids when they were little. We’re piled on the bed with our new kitten. For perspective, my kids are now 26, 21, 17, and 15, and that kitty is 9 years old. I remember that particular moment, and I remember my kids being little like it was yesterday. Cliched I know, but true.

Last winter, Ray and I took a walk through our neighborhood one morning after a snowstorm. School was cancelled for our teenagers so they were in bed, and probably wouldn’t make an appearance until noon. As we wandered the empty streets, bleary eyed parents chased bundled up kids through the fresh snow. Those parents looked tired and frazzled, and we got teary-eyed. I don’t want to go back to an earlier point in my life. I’m really happy with where I am now. We’ve worked hard to get here. But with every birthday that comes and goes, I truly feel the passage of time.

When my kids saw this same picture, they made comments like how much they missed being all together now that two have moved out permanently. They feel it too, this change over time. I don’t think they necessarily want to go back either, but remembering helps us appreciate the sweetness and the ephemeral quality of those moments. Maybe remembering also helps us live more fully in the here and now.

“Mindfulness isn’t difficult, we just need to remember to do it.” - Sharon Salzberg

Monday Musings 7-1-19

“I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don't have to.” - Albert Einstein

This is my birthday week. Like many people around my age, I have mixed feelings about birthdays. I’m thrilled to have another one, because, well, the alternative isn’t too pleasant to think about. But, I’m also struggling with some of the less-fun perks of aging - like aches and pains for no reason what-so-ever, a body that needs to eat half and exercise double to stay in any sort of shape, etc.

It’s certainly easy to focus on what’s been lost through the aging process - they do call it the bloom of YOUTH for a reason. But, if I shift my lens even a little, and choose to focus instead on the full, rich life I enjoy, then my overwhelming emotion becomes gratitude. Gratitude for my health - because relatively speaking, it’s good. Gratitude for my friends - because I am blessed to have deep, meaningful friendships. Gratitude for my family, my kids, and for the flexible, satisfying home and work life that my husband and I consciously created.

Every year, after Thanksgiving, my family watches It’s a Wonderful Life. Every year, when the credits roll, my husband sniffles and says, “It truly is a wonderful life.” And it is. So this year, I am going to embrace my birthday fully - with joy and gratitude, and probably without socks.